21 August 2005

The Twinkie Malt and Other Cheap Shots

I have no idea how I wound up on the Patty's Newsletter mailing list, but the twinkie recipe is priceless, and worth passing on. I keep thinking of great, deep, funny pieces to write and by the time I sit down here and actually write, all I can do is post this ridiculous newsletter I got today. But how could I resist? Go to her website and see what "Patty's Newsletter" SELLS! I want the Monkey Welcome Plaque and I want it NOW.

PATTY’S NEWSLETTER
Vol 2. no. 4
Hello my friends!
I have been working on a new website www.pattysneighborhood.com which I invite all of you to visit.

It reminds me of this old Far Side with the caption that reads "What if dolphins really COULD talk?" and it shows 2 dolphins swimming, and one is saying to the other, "Knock, knock...c'mon. Knock, knock."

Not everyone is WORTHY of a newsletter, Patty.
Then she provides us with the following recipes, just in case we're on an IQ-free diet:

Citrus Jello Cake, "from my cousin Marie"

1 Lemon Cake Mix
10 oz Sunkist Diet Lemonade (soda)
1 Can mandarin oranges, drained and rinsed
1 Package sugar free orange Jell-O

Mix cake mix, soda and oranges. Blend with mixer until smooth (about 1-1/2 minutes on medium). Pour into a 9X12 inch pan that has been sprayed with non-stick spray. Bake at 375 for about 20 minutes, until lightly brown on top and firm to touch.

Mix Jell-O with 1/2 cup hot water, sir to dissolve. Add 1 cup ice cubes and stir until ice cubes melt. Prick cake lightly with fork and pour Jell-O over cake. Refrigerate for about 3 hours.

Topping:
( TOPPING?! She never said there was topping! Now she tells me! Now I have to go out and buy some Dessert Topping, and the cake will get all...all...what will it get? I can't even figure it out. Melted? Hard? Warm? Cold? No, it's already cold. I give up.)

1/2 container fat free whipped topping
1/2 of an eight ounce package fat free cream cheese

Blend topping and cheese with mixer until smooth. Spread over chilled cake and serve.

Come on Marie, what's with the 1/2 packages? Live a little. And now for something completely disgusting...

Twinkie Malt

2 cups milk
6 Hostess Twinkies
4 Oreo cookies
3 cups vanilla ice cream
1/3 cup milk

Blend milk and Twinkies for 5 to 10 seconds. Add Oreo cookies. Blend together. Add 3 cups vanilla ice cream. Blend until smooth. Pour in milk and enjoy.


Pour in milk? Pour what in milk? Pour this thing INTO a glass of milk? I am confused, Patty. I am frightened and confused and I don't know where my Twinkies went. They were here a minute ago.

Now for Patty's Spiritually Uplifting quotes:

“When I look at my life through the lens of gratitude, all my experiences take on a rosy glow”
-Thomas Kinkade

“Your faith is what you believe, not what you know”
-John Lancaster Spalding

Regarding the first quote, I think when Thomas Kincaid looks through the lens of gratitude he ought to see a rosy glow, considering how much money people have shelled out for his creepy signed prints. When I look at his life through the lens of Aunt Violet, I see the greenish glow of lots of little winged dollar bills.

Now, let's take this second quote. Who IS this John Lancaster Spalding person? It makes a great companion piece to the excellent editorial in this week's New Yorker, which is about the Bush Administration being, well, a little unsure about the veracity of "science." You know, apparently this Administration finds "science" to be a controversial subject. I could never come close to saying it nearly as eloquently as Hertzberg, so I'll just publish the link here.

Your faith is what you believe, not what you know? Your faith is that you believe that Iraq has WMDs but now we know they don't have them but we'll keep blasting the shit out of them and killing our young soldiers anyway, because our faith is what we believe but not what we know? What kind of bullshit is this? Do people think they can just write just anything in quotes these days? Oh, man.

If the NYer has taken the Hertzberg piece down, write to me and I'll send it to you.

Aunt Vi, with a migraine

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dear Aunt V-

Please advise on the Twinkie Malt recipe: How many people will that serve and where should barf bags be placed on the table?

Jane

Aunt Violet said...

Perhaps you can find all this information in her new cookbook, "Red State Recipes." I would also suggest a subscription to Taste of Home, where other, twinkie-laden recipes abound, requiring the same accoutrements.

AV

Samuel John Klein Portlandiensis said...

Red State Recipes? Oy.

However, I've got to differ with you on the Welcoming Monkey Plaque. Now, I don't judge. This may fit in with some lifestyles. It gives me the creeps. It's like someone crossed a spider with the contents of the Lillian Vernon catalog, the non-sexy bits of the Spencer Gifts store, and the clearance section of Michael's.

Ai yi yi.